Every so often some of the conversations on my Facebook page become quite comical. Recently I posted a question that left me in stitches. I compiled the answers for you to spend a few moments laughing as well. Enjoy this compilation of quotes from teachers all over the world!
What are some things you thought you would never say as a teacher?
- “Please do not drink the watercolors.” – Jennifer
- “Your echolocation is not broken, you are not a bat you don’t have echolocation. Stop running into the wall and yelling ‘my echolocation is broken.’” – Danielle
- “No, I cannot marry you.” – Kay
- “Please take your head out from under my dress…” – Meghan
- “Stop licking the window.” – Jennifer
- “Do you need to go poop? You’re tooting a lot and it smells horrible…” – Shannon
- “Ew! Don’t lick the potty!” – Christina
- “We don’t pick our friends’ noses for them, even if they told you to do it!” – Tricia
- “No, I’m sorry you cannot be an octopus today.” – Chelsea
- “That is not Chapstick. That is our glue. Please stop putting it on your lips.” – Holli
- “Your string cheese is not a light saber.” – Melissa
- “What do you mean you have a tiny NFL football stuck up your nose?” – Lee
- “We don’t chew on scissors.” – Jennifer
- “Please keep your tongue out of your nose.” – Cathy
- “Do not eat the Crayons. Yes, they are nontoxic but let’s not test the theory.” – Julie
- “Stop sucking on the wall.” – Jenny
- “You brought a real live ‘dead’ fish?” – Chelsie
- “Please stop drinking from the toilet!” – Christina
- “We don’t pee on the playground.” – Robin
- “Is this poop or a smashed raisin in the floor? (Answer: it was poop)” – Alicia
- “I’m so proud of you for buckling your belt…but now go back in the bathroom and put your pants on!” – Madison
- “We are not making valentines for the vegetarians, it’s the Veterans we are making them for.” – Jennifer
- “Your teeth itch? Hmmm ok just get a drink.” – Nikkee
- “We don’t have to get all the way naked to poop…our socks have nothing to do with that area of pottying. “ – Amanda
- “I am not a tree; you are not a woodpecker, so please stop tapping on me.” – Katy
- “Please, do not come out of the bathroom licking your hands.” – Laura
- “Are you doing the pee-pee dance?” – Christy
- “Are you gluing your hair back on your head with a glue stick?” – Lee
- “We do not growl in school. We are human beings not animals and we do not growl.” – Jessi
- “Do not glue paper to your body! That includes your skin, your clothes, and your shoes!” – Amy
- “Did you really just put glue in your dear teacher’s hair?!” Student response: “Well a couple of hairs were sticking out! I fixed it for you…aren’t you so happy?” – Jill
- “Zombies can’t get you at the cubbies.” – Keith
- “Well if it wasn’t your underwear you flushed down the toilet, whose was it?!” – Dana
- “Please go back to the bathroom and give each other back your pants. You need to leave school in the same pair of pants you showed up in.” – Melissa
- “No, your last name is not ‘Lil Daddy.’” – Ashley
- “No, you cannot wrap string around your finger to make it turn purple; that is not cool.” – Kay
- “Stay calm and evacuate the room. I’ll get Mr. Weeks to find the snake.” – Carol
- “If you try to stick your finger in the fan again and it comes off we get to call you ‘Stumpy’ the rest of the year.” Problem solved. – Carissa
- Back in the day when we had a dramatic play area in the classroom: “Please get down off of the table in the kitchen. No one will ‘give birth’ in our dramatic play area or anywhere here at school.” – Shelley
- “Stop that. You need to sing the song. Do you even know what they are singing? You can’t do the ‘Nay Nay’ to every song you hear.” – Jeremy
- “Sorry, but you cannot start a twerking club at school.” – Jessica
Do you use any of these quotes? What other things do you say that are quite out of the ordinary in your classroom?
Just this week I had to tell a child to stop making a puddle with the spray bottle on the playground so they could lick it from the ground.
“Why did you bite your eraser off your pencil and stick it in your ear? No, I can’t get it out. Yes, you have to go to the ear doctor now. “
“Don’t touch the walls because apparently some people lick them. And plus , do ya’ll really think the person who pooped in the bathroom floor washed their hands? What if they touched the walls?”
“If you fart ONE more time, it’s going to be a detention. No one farts at precisely the same time each day and makes everyone in the entire hallway gag.”
“Well if you refuse to sit down and you refuse to stand up then fly around the room but do it quietly.”
Please put your shirt back on. We don’t wear our coats backwards. Why do you have a rotten squirrels tail in your backpack? Please don’t put your head up my shirt. Oh there are so many weird things I never thought I would say.
I just wrote about this exact topic on my blog last month! It never ceases to amaze me the crazy nonsense that comes out of my mouth on a regular basis.
https://kamblesoup.wordpress.com/2016/05/07/there-are-only-six-musics-left/
First grade-
“Who is stealing paper clips from my desk and making shanks to use at recess”
“The bathroom is closed because someone is smearing poop on the walls and put a terd in the sink”
“We haven’t used marbles so I don’t know how one popped into your ear when you fell on the ground when I didn’t even see you fall”
Said by an ESL first grader – teacher says “I see your mom put mousse in your hair today.” student says – “Why would my mom put a mouse in my hair?”
Please keep your hands to yourself. Preschooler says, “We can just touch ourself, right?” Right, I say…….Wait
Who put their nuts in the urinal?
We don’t eat frosting out of the trash can.
Everyone freeze! I have to find a student’s eyeball! (I didn’t know until that moment he had a prosthetic eye!)
I’m not a door so please don’t knock on me to get my attention!
You’re not a goat, so stop eating (paper, glue, shirts, pencils, and anything non-food item they have in their mouths)
Of course your glue stick is dried out. Do you see a pattern here? It happens every time you leave the top off!
No one wants you to touch them with your soggy sleeves (after the child has sucked on his/her shirt sleeves for the better part of the day and then decided to flap them back and forth during rug time)
Who keeps wiping their boogers on the rug? The only place you’re allowed to put boogers is in tissue!
Where did this poop come from? (after finding several pellets on the rug — no one was wearing shorts, so it shouldn’t have just ‘fallen out’.)
WHAT have you been eating? (to an abnormally flatulent student who was making the classroom air unbreathable)
These stories are all from elementary aged students.
*No, I don’t want to learn the Bloods handshake.
*It’s no okay to use your hacking skills to access porn on the classroom computer.
*Who peed over the railing in the stairwell from the top floor onto the bottom floor?
*Nurse, I’m sending T—– to you because he said his penis is bleeding again.
*Janitor, we are evacuating the classroom due to the 4 puddles of diarrhea on the floor.
*No, it’s not okay to crush Smarties candy and snort them up your nose. It’s also not okay to sell them to your peers for that purpose. Smarties are now banned from the school building. (I always wondered why nobody thought of streamlining the process by using pixie stix. Lol
*Teachers from another school were observing our lesson, and I was reading aloud a book about a girl and her grandma. The girls grandma gave her a cute nickname, and I asked if any of their grandma’s called them by a nickname. The student who always makes me nervous when he answers questions raised his hand. He said with a smile, “My grandma calls me ‘Black Fool’.”
*After we missed almost a week of school due to an ice storm, a student hugged me and said, “I missed you during the iceberg.”
“You don’t need to worry about what it means right now, just know that it’s inappropriate for school and you shouldn’t repeat it. You can discuss it with your parents after the principal calls them to let them know.” – My response to a 10 year old boy who looked distressed and confused and asked to speak to me in the hallway privately.. He handed me a note from a 10 year old girl, written by a different 10 year old girl since the original girl couldn’t write or spell very well. The note said, “Will you eat me out? Check yes or no.” I think I deserved hazard pay for dealing with all the parties involved in that incident!
“Whose hair is on the ground!?”
“Why did you bring your parakeet to school in your pocket? “, I said .
“Well you said bring something that fit in a paper bag that was important to me !”, said Javier. I almost gave birth on the spot !
Please stop spinning you are not a dradle.
Do you really think gluing your shoes to the wall was the best idea?
That food is for the turtle. Humans do not eat tiny pellets.
We were doing a vocabulary parade, I was the word hibernate and I was dressed as a bear.
Student: Ms. H your so soft and cuddley
Me: Um thanks
Student: Can I take you home as my pet?
Me: uhhhhhh no.
Student: it’s OK I’ll feed you and everything.
Me: I do not think your mom would like that.
Student: She won’t know I’m going to hide you under my bed with my other teacher pet.
To a fifth grader: “Stop petting ______ ear lobe.”
fifth grader “But they’re soft, I like them.”
Pettee: ” It’s ok he’s been doing it since kindergarten.”
Another Child: “We’re used to it.”
Upshot – class discussion about personal boundaries.
“You are not a bowling ball” Student “I know, I am hurricane Chelsea”
Your underwear is Not meant to be worn on your head! ( To a 6th Grader)
Ive had plenty of “no licking” ones. This week I had to tell a student to “Put your penis in the toilet”
Why do you have your underwear in your hands and not on your body under your clothes?
“Boys and girls if you find a “balloon” on the playground, do not pick it up and NEVER blow it up. It has germs!”
Student ( a Senior in high school) asks “Why can’t you speak English in class?
My response: Esta clase es Español 4. No es una clase de inglés. (This is Spanish level 4, not an English class.)
I really did think the class name would give that away but, alas, no.
During practice for our Christmas program, I had to remind a student that we can not meow the words to Jolly Old St. Nicholas.
Please quit advertising your classmates-they are not for sale …. no it does not matter how cheap they are.
(They were playing store)
We need to keep our shirts down and pants up. Said by me to my preschoolers today.
I am just a student teacher right now and this is not a story of what I said to the child, but I wanted to share it anyways..
I found out the reason one of our kids was going to the doctor was because he stuck a rock in his ear the previous day. He was scared he’d get in trouble for having a rock in the classroom, even though he wasn’t the one to bring it in the classroom. So he was simply trying to hide the rock when the teacher was coming.
I decided to ask him why he was going to the doctor. His response, “Yesterday at recess, a rock fell from the sky and landed in my ear.” I said, “You mean to tell me out of all the places it could land, it just so happened to be in your tiny ear?!” He just said yep and smiled after that lol!
After teaching kindergarten for 48 years I retired! Now I sub for kindergarten at my school. You can understand why. They are hilarious! One very snowy, icy winter I explained to the children we would be having a make-up day since we had missed alot of school days. At the end of the day one of my little girls asked where the make-up was. She said she had been waiting all day for the fun to begin! They are so literal!
No, cotton is not the same as a marshmallow.
Hilarious! The sad part is that I teach high school, and I’ve had to say many of the quotes from the elementary teachers especially the quotes about craft work.
Please don’t lick the pencil sharpener.
“WOW! It’s not loud enough in here!
and
“We do not pick up or throw wood chips. Cats and dogs like the playground at night and pee here. Do you want to play with cat and dog pee?
That’s not your poop on your hand? How did you get someone else’s poop on our hand?
We do not lick our classmates sweater. Your tongue would not be fuzzy if you stopped doing so.
“We do not poop in the urinal”
2 girls walk down the hallway sharing and oversize t-shirt…
“Girls, can we please be in only our own shirts?”
“Please do not come into my room holding your “junk””
These are just a few of the things that really enforce why I don’t think I could be a teacher. No matter what age. If for no other reason than I couldn’t keep a straight face!!!
You may not moon your friends under the bathroom stall. If it is covered by a bathing suit we don’t need to see it!
“What exactly were you doing when you fell off the toilet?”
“Point your penis down!”
Telling my first grade students about planets and the solar system. Said we had 8 planets and 1dwarf planet, Pluto. One of my boys raises his hand and asks “Is that where the dwarves live?” My response,”You’d think so but its way to cold for them.”
“Stop chewing on that tree. You’ll kill it.”
“No, I don’t know why the tissues in our classroom taste funny. How are tissues supposed to taste?”
“If you sharpen your pencil with your teeth, of course you’ll get slivers in your mouth.”
“We don’t chew on our friend’s hair.”
Why are you eating a crayon? Are you THAT hungry? Her response while crying- yes
Please wipe the yogurt off the wall!
You may only use those scissors to cut paper….not your hair, not your neighbor’s hair, not your shirt, or your pants, or anyone else’s clothing! (It was a tough day in kindergarten that day!)
The dinosaur book? What dinosaur book? No, I did not teach a whole lesson about a dinosaur book! The third graders kept insisting I had taught them all about the dinosaur book. Finally one kid went to the bookshelf and brought me the thesaurus!
I teach a Reading Intervention class and we had the following sentence on the SmartBoard:
The doe hit his toe on the hoe.
Elementary, no problem……Middle School—–HUGE problem
Who died and left you boss?
Yes, I did say you could get a drink but I didn’t mean from the urinal.
I said this today… “Please don’t lick the fence.”
I was teaching roots and base words to determine word meaning. One vocabulary word was ‘desolate’. I asked the class to break the word up. I underlined the ‘sol’ and asked unwittingly, “does anyone know what ‘sol’ represents. One kid raised his hand and replied, “do you really want me to tell you?” That’s when I realized! Duh! LOL
We do not lick or smush our faces in the playdough.
We do not color our teeth blue or our neighbor’s teeth.
Stop licking chocolate milk off the floor.
Stop licking your neighbor.
I don’t care if you were practicing counting to 20, we do NOT do that by dropping rocks in the toilet.
Never wash your hands in the urinal.
All from 16 years of kindergarten. I was tired so I moved to high school! LOL
Helping a preschooler who is learning to how to wipe her bottom…”Oh! We don’t put the toilet paper on our nose to smell it after we are done. We just put it in the potty and flush it away.” 🙂
I teach high school so not as funny but today I was being observed and had to ask a couple boys “can we please be a little more mature and stop laughing everytime we talk about balls?” (It is chemistry class and we were looking at ball and stick molecular models) The admin observing me just laughed!
“Stop licking the wall!”
You may not Hugh five your friends’ faces!
We do not glue things to our faces!
Please stop sniffing your friends behinds.
“If it’s not food, don’t eat it!” ” And, I overheard this gem, spoken by a wonderful, new teacher, who found herself teaching kindergarten for the first time, “We don’t lick our friends in kindergarten!”
“You put yourself in ‘handcuffs’, now you’re stuck, and you want me to get you out? Let me think about that.” He had turned his shirt sideways and stuffed both arms through one sleeve behind his back. It was a TIGHT squeeze…still unsure how he managed!